why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Her (and my dad's) misery is always running in the back of my mind. It is not our job to make our kids happy. I asked him how much he really wants to hear her from 1 (not really interested) to 10 (dying to hear her laments). The two add up to the fear that we'll be overwhelmed by each other's needs, giving up ourselves if we give anything to these adult relatives. This is not your problem. PostedAugust 22, 2019 But its not helpful, kind or loving to try to impose change on anyone. It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. Such avoidance is detrimental because it lowers the authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability of the relationship. You can watch the original video I recorded below, and keep reading for a breakdown of what I teach in it (plus new lessons). Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. People with emotional instability who were in therapy benefited the most, increasing their ability to handle stressors and reduce inner turmoil. She nodded, "It was nearly my death." "We nearly lost you, we nearly lost you," Raven chimed. Taking responsibility for others happiness is a big cause of anxiety (Anxiety Causes: What Causes Anxiety?). Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. featured Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourselffor your own thoughts, words, and actions. How many people participated in bringing it to you? I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. I learned this a long time ago. How to Overcome Extreme Challenges and Uncover Deep Resilience with Ed Mylett, How to Meditate with a Mantra: A Simple Technique You Can Use Anywhere, How to Meditate: The Easiest Meditation for Beginners, True Abundance: 3 Steps for Attracting the Abundance You Want, How to Be Happier at Work: 3 Tips to Make Your Day Better Now, Focus on the Good Stuff When You Collaborate with Other People on Projects, 5 Tips to Quit Sugar the Spirit Junkie Way, My #1 Exercise Secret: Move in Some Way Every Day, How to Trust in the Healing Path When Youre Recovering from Addiction or Trauma. How can I be feeling this way?. I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? All Rights Reserved. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. How did it feel? The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. Isthisrealyreal, she seems most content when I'm doing nothing but working and taking care of their business. Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another person's happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. You're very welcome, Maria! Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. That led to a brain tumor diagnosis and placement for both of them in an Assisted Living Facility. The most unloving thing we can do is try to change them. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their. spirituality, Blogs Mom, not so much. How to Stop the Misery: Notice your own belief system about change. You are not alone in this! I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. But the truth is we cant control everything. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. (I've done this, too.) Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. A Course in Miracles teaches that spirit accepts and the ego analyzes. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. Sometimes I believe that all parents do things for their. When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. She led a study about . It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Realizing that you are helpless in a situation can often be more terrifying than the false but oddly comforting belief that you have control. Relating to the pain you've caused someone or breaking your moral code are two of the core reasons you may experience guilt. Read On! A like-minded woman who empowers . Two elements threaten harmonious relations with parents and adult siblings, in-laws and adult children: lack of time and an abundance of emotional memories. Begin to question it. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . Could you STOP right now? All of her chronic worrying is caring, too, dontcha know? True, in some situations, like in your work life, you may often need to play a role to get by. Pick one thing to start with and build from there. Just remember that many different factors came into play for that moment to arise, even the fact that your parents acted on their affinity for one another and gave you your life. If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. (I think its because I grew up with a loving father, who had massive mood swings, but he could be charmed out of them - My sister would cry, my brother would more often than not, be the target, but I was the one who could alwyas talk/joke him down.) Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? (2016, May 5). With love, Sandra. Once youve noticed your anxious thoughts, question them. My family is my strength in hard times. Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? When you're there, check out the books surrounding this one, too. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. My mental health novels, including one about severe anxiety, are here. For example, no one can make you mad. You can control your inner response to events much of the time. Anything that happens occurs as a result of many interlocking causes and conditions, over which you only have partial control. Any suggestions? Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. These "happy hormones" include: Dopamine: Known as the "feel-good" hormone, dopamine is a. You cant be responsible for everything because you are not autonomous. Hi Marsha, He immediately said 8. Your mom is using it to control you and make you feel guilty for the way She is and for Her situation. Fast forward to 2011. I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. Every time your partner shares something difficult or painful, you immediately get tense and feel that you need to do something about it. 4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for Tanya J. Petersonis the author of numerous anxiety self-help books, including The Morning Magic 5-Minute Journal, The Mindful Path Through Anxiety, 101 Ways to Help Stop Anxiety, The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety, The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety, and Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 steps. Sometimes sharing the pain in this new, differentiated way, which is not a jab or an attack in the heat of a fight, can still lead to a certain distance, coldness, or even a rupture. He worryingly scanned his wifes face and whispered, Well, actually, 2 out of 10.. I am so stressed from caring for my mom. Almost there! As a consequence I tend to focus on them and what they need. Use Life Itself to Dissolve Your Identity, What Eckhart Tolle Gets Wrong About Karma. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health and https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? Are you causing your own suffering? How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. See what you gain and what you lose from trusting in such a core belief. 6. As I teach in Step 4 of my bookJudgment Detox: The most loving thing we can do for someone is to accept them. Thank you for a great article. When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. If I have a free weekend and choose fun, she resents it. It might even feel selfish NOT to intervene and take care of things. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. When they do, get up and get out. :). Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). And so the cycle goes. Hi! I was told that he's not responsible for my emotional reaction because he cannot help that I was hurt. Im not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. I help deep thinking, heart-centered spirits find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The child thinks, "If I can make my parents happy, I'll be happy as well and all will be peachy." She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. I just need a few things to get you going. Try the powerful Three Good Things exercise, described here. You do . She is a wealth of knowledge and truly cares about helping people and empowering them to live life optimally. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). However, it can easily morph into something unhealthy, where rather than wanting to contribute to others happiness and wellbeing, we find ourselves being people-pleasers in order to make them happy. Gillihan, Seth: "Do People Really Change?". I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. And so, some of us feel were responsible for everything, a pattern that was likely embedded in your brain and heart as a vulnerable child. Tweet: Theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. Am I a terrible person? People who are hurting dont need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. I have felt responsible for my moms happiness due to guilt and after she passed feel responsible for her death. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. You're sensitive and compassionate. But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. This site complies with the HONcode standard for I made a life here and have a full life with many friends. How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. But I will be made to feel badly until the day she passes away, that's just the way it goes.it's what she WANTS. You are responsible for only your happiness. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. A walk, meditate, paint your nailssomething. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. Certain hormones are known to help promote positive feelings, including happiness and pleasure. Everyone has choices and your mom has choices. I used to think that at some point my parents would wake up and realize what they had been doing to me. Its so cold in here. I wish he would understand how much I need some time alone right now.. Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. Self-awareness is essential for change. What is the problem with holding a core belief of your pain = my responsibility? How to Stop the Misery: Notice what you really enjoy. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. Keep an open mind. The National Domestic Violence Hotline online, Sleep Is a Spiritual Practice: 5 Spiritual Tools for Better Sleep. 5. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. You can start the Mini Course today and experience beautiful benefits. When you fall prey to the belief that youre responsible for everyone and everything, youre not respecting interdependence and the fluid, ever-changing nature of our world. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. Group therapy is great for this. Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standingmental and emotional patterns. Happiness is an individual responsibility. She makes me mad. Brrr. My husband has taken this thought process to the extreme, or at least it feels that way. The bottom line is this: I am NOT responsible for her happiness and you are not responsible for your mother's happiness either. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. I'm stuck, probably for many, many years into the future. Mind if I turn up the heat? I need some alone time right now. Acting more assertive is thrilling, no matter how small the issue. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others! You'll probably find this scenario quite common. Whether you broke your partner's favorite pen, forgot an important. Send them a lot of love, set positive intentions for them and speak positively about them when youre not with them. Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. I'm not sure though. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when its a team effort. Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. We may know that life is better, easier, and less lonely when we were with each other, except when it isn't. At those times, it is tempting to assume . Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. Ask yourself: Would I like to change? It is okay for you to make yourself and your life your first priority. Misery-Maker 3: Thinking that mistakes, setbacks, and failures doom you for life. If you have a critical inner voice that is constantly judging and blaming you, notice it (how could you not?) It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. Such automatic reactivity keeps you in a symbiotic relationship, where both partners are wary of sharing the pain or burdening their partner, and ones difficulties are experienced as a huge emotional burden on the partner. My parents have lived in this small town for over 40 years and she has no friends (doesn't want any), no hobbies, no church or other group affiliation, no family, just me. I am also working with a therapist. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel is your responsibility and that you feel guilty about. With time, such a process will slowly rewire your brain and help you internalize that you cannot prevent your partner from feeling pain. We have lived in our town since 1975. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. Start tuning into your actions. I'm taking care of both my parents 24/7. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. Hi Todd. It doesnt have to mean that you endorse what theyre doing. I want to run away. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. Queen Victoria seems to have written the guidebook for narcissistic mothers. When we invite spirit in through prayer we return to our right mind and find acceptance. You can speak up for yourself. Children therefore believe that they have a larger impact on their parents' emotions and well-being then they actually do. Schnarch, D. M. (2012). It often begins innocently enough: for myriad reasons, we care, and we want others to be happy. Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. Let's connect. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder :( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. The painful memory crossed Grandmother's face. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. The fact is you can heal only your half of . Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. Being responsible brings us many benefits. How to tell between BPD behaviors and dementia behaviors? here. There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. The changes youre making to overcome toxic guilt can make you feel self-critical, e.g. Notice what seems to be good for your personal growth. I can do everything my husband might want as he wants it done and he can still choose to be unhappy, or he may have underlying depression or anxiety. Attract everything you want with my most impactful meditations. You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. Reviewed by Davia Sills. Maybe you'll find that you enjoy being in this relationship when you can be true to yourself, or maybe you'll discover that you want to live on your own again. You dont want to deprive somebody of their bottom. Misery-Maker 9: Falling for the belief that you cant change. What would I do if she died? The way he reacted to me yesterday must mean that he doesnt really love me, despite what he says. If my boss fires me, Ill never be able to find another job and will end my life in dire poverty.. After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? Because you wrote MY story! And all the rest of the BS 24/7. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well? They themselves have to work at it. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. And through it all, be sure that youre taking loving care of your own energy. Hi! Important note: If you are in an abusive relationship, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 18007997233 or TTY 18007873224. A recent review of over 200 studies indicated that therapy could cause personality changes relatively quickly, even in as little as 4-8 weeks. We can't be responsible for our elderly parent's happiness. And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another persons happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. Upstream, of course she's most content when you are working on your "to-do" list, she feels in control. Smoking. spirituality. Only your mom can make herself happy. But you can learn to stop any misery you might be inflicting on yourself. Responsibility allows you to create principles, morals and helps you to lead your life. Such a process helps couples cut the symbiotic umbilical cord between them and dare to share their pain honestly, with no avoidance or censorship, and even without the need to solve or protect their spouse. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! by: E.B. Spirit accepts what is true, which is that we are all love. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. Start doing one think today for youself. My life is more than busy and full. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? Counselors told us to pull back, only visit her once a week, and to leave when the conversation gets ugly. I really need to break this behavior. So dont rob your partner of a chance to grow. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. Thank you so much for your reply, Tanya. Then we suffer if we cant. Heal trauma, unlearn fear and remember love. However the converse is important. In such symbiotic relationships, if one is hurting, the other must sympathize with that pain as proof for their love; if one is happy, the other should also be happy.